The year of turning 60

It’s finally dawning on me….this is the year I turn 60. Yes….60. It wasn’t that long ago (or so it seems) that I couldn’t have imagined reaching the age of 20 because it seemed like a lifetime away. I remember when my grandparents were 60. I remember when my parents were 60. My friends and I have often had the “We can’t believe we’ll be 60” discussion. It’s a little weird, because on one hand, while 60 may not sound so old…on the other hand, it’s like, uggh 60. So, here are some ponderings on turning 60.
I should have listened to my mother more and not easily dismissed certain things she would tell me about getting older. She was just trying to prepare me for becoming older, and I brushed it all off. For instance: As a woman becomes older, she will get whiskers. True. Keep your tweezers handy at all times. As a woman becomes older, she won’t need to shave her legs as often. True. You might think this is because the leg hair quits growing, but I have found that is not the case. It turns grey…just like the hair on top of your head. Oh, let’s touch on the grey hair. Sure, you might think it won’t happen, or you might just decide to color your hair. Well….at some point, you look in the mirror and realize you are going to look like a skunk if you keep coloring, as fast as that grey is coming in. Do yourselves a favor, and just let it turn grey…it’s a lot cheaper that way. Which leads me to more thoughts on the hair.
Mother said as a woman gets older, she should keep her hair shorter. It will make her look younger. True…the weight of the long hair pulls your wrinkles down. Oh, and don’t think wrinkles won’t happen…I already have my mother’s neck. But I also have her shoulders, which still look pretty young. Which leads me to skin.
Mother always told us girls to never use soap on our face. She said soap would dry up our skin and make it look older faster. Well, that was one thing we took to heart, and all of us girls have really nice skin. (Sometimes, it pays off to listen to your mother.)
Weight….yes, weight gain happens. The metabolism changes in the body. You have to work harder to keep your weight down…as it just seems to come out of nowhere. Good gravy, this is the biggest I’ve ever been, with the exception of being 40 weeks pregnant carrying a 10 lb baby. Mother would always do what she called hip rolls at night…every night she would do these hip rolls before she went to bed…they kept her arse from getting wide she said. Guess what I’m going to start doing? Yup…should have listened to mother.
Aches and pains…yup…got those. My knees sometimes get stuck. My hips go out more than I do.
Teeth…I still have most of my teeth. My folks had dentures for as long as I can remember, and while they did some pretty cool stuff with those false teeth, I would really prefer to keep mine. I have a terrible dental phobia….I’d rather give birth to triplets with no medication. Which reminds me of the fact that there’s a reason we have children when we are younger. My almost 60 year old body could not take that…nor would I have the patience or the energy to be chasing around tiny tots all day long at this age. I’d be like a zombie….although…I find zombies very cool. Hmmmm.
But on a more serious note….there is one thing that just hangs in the back of my mind. I’m really healthy….aside from glaucoma and a thyroid problem, a numb hand and the occasional aches and pains that “are part of this age” (as my doctor says). But…there’s one thing. I’m turning 60….my mother was 60 once. She died at 67. I wish she were still around to tell me more stuff about when a woman gets older. Maybe I’d not dismiss it as easily.
The year of turning 60. I hope we all deal with it gracefully and well. Because not so long ago…we couldn’t imagine being this age.

My Nobody Listens When a Gatling is About to Misfire Dream

While on a bus tour (guided by Dean Butler of Little House on the Prairie fame) we stop at a tourist attraction, where the owner (John Schneider) resides with his very elderly, ill mother.  This place has a plethora of historical items, one in particular being an old gatling gun.  The Dean Butler character (Name Ben in this dream) is showing someone how to use this gatling gun, which supposedly does not work any longer.

John Schneider character (Didn’t catch his name) got called away from the tour by his mother.  Dean Butler (Ben) had to take someone back to the bus.  That left me in charge…oh boy.

A young fella was looking at the old gatling gun, and found something and put it in the gun, and something fell off the gun.  Turns out, the something he put in the gun was some old “dead” ammo, and whatever fell off the gun made the cylinder start spinning. It would spin, then stop, then spin then stop.

I alerted someone to go get Ben (Dean Butler) but nobody could find him, and then I sent someone to get John Schneider’s character, and he was recasting his mother’s leg.  But he said, “On the off chance that that ammo isn’t dead or blank, get everyone out of there.”

So, I start screaming at everyone to get back, because they are not entirely sure this gun is indeed non functional, and if it does go off, it will kill everyone and destroy everything.  Everyone just keeps shopping, and more busloads are coming.  I get one crowd dispersed and another shows up.  And no matter how many times I scream, they just look at me and keep shopping.  They just won’t listen!  I finally said “What the heck is wrong with you freaking people!  If that ammo is live, and it gets into that chamber, and it successfully discharges….you are all gonna be hamburger!  It’s a damn gatling gun…don’t you watch old westerns?”

Suddenly a voice comes out of nowhere….”A gatling gun?  You got a rogue gatling gun?  I believe I can fix that.”  And out of that nowhere comes Slim Pickens, who very calmly and slowly, but precisely, gets the gatling gun dismantled.  And he said “Well, it’s a good thing I came along little lady…..because some of this ammo is still alive….another few rounds and these idiots would have all been blown to pieces.”