In this dream, my family is driving to our vacation spot in the Smoky Mountains, when suddenly, we are caught in this torrential storm. It is raining so hard, and the wind is blowing so bad that I can’t see to drive, so we have to pull off the road. We pulled off near a house, and knock on the door. To our surprise, Dolly Parton answers. I said “Dolly Parton?” She said “Why, yes sugar, it’s me.” I explained our dilemma and she graciously said we could ride this awful storm out with her. She said it was gonna be a doozie of a storm, so we may want to bring in our belongings, because we may be staying a little while. And boy was she right. We stayed all day and all night. She sang songs and read stories to the kids, and got everyone hooked up in the guest bedrooms. The next morning she made bacon, eggs and grits for everybody. Then, as soon as the storm passed, we got to tour her property, and then we were on our way with free passes to DollyWood. It was a great dream.
Dave Dude and the Ranchers
Album: Hermaphrodite Heifers
Hit song: Saving Money on Stud Fees
Fifi and the Food Fighters with their new album Pasta on the Wall and Bananas on the Ceiling.
To include these chart bottoming hits:
Taters in My Eye
Flip it From the Spoon
Spittin’ Pea Soup
Kaos in the Kitchen
Off the Grid Gracie and the album “Favors for Food” featuring the hit single “I’ll Stroke Your Ego if You Shuck My Corn”.
The greatest man I ever knew
Lived at 414 Richmond Avenue.
LaGrange Park, IL was the town
Where this man so world renown
In the beautiful ballroom would entertain
When he wasn’t driving the Sante Fe Train.
He would play the guitar and he would sing.
When he tickled the ivories, he made them ring.
Friends and family would gather around
Just so they could hear the sound
Of the piano playing and the songs he sung.
I’d sit right by him, I was so young.
I was amazed and perhaps in awe
Of this great man, Harry Roland, my grandpa.
Sometimes he’d do little magic tricks,
I’d watch real close because he was quick.
Then I’d look at him and say
“Grandpa, how’d you do that anyway?”
And, of course, he wouldn’t tell,
Not wanting to break his magic spell.
He loved entertaining everyone.
He was so cool and so much fun.
I remember we went for ice cream one day,
We stopped at the bank along the way.
The teller said she’d like one too,
So he dropped her ice cream at the drive thru.
I guess, at heart, he was a big kid
Who enjoyed life and all he did.
But grandpa was also very wise.
I could always go to him for advice.
He lived life to the fullest, right up to the end.
He was my hero, confidant, friend.
Then one day my grandpa was gone.
He’d played his last tune, sung his last song.
He was very unique in his own way
And I love and miss him still to this day.
I carry his memory deep in my heart,
So we’ll never be truly apart.
And if I close my eyes I can see
Grandpa at the piano, singing to me.
Written by Taffy OKelly 5-17-1999
Yes, another idea popped into my head about a completely made up group with hit songs they never made. It was the chickens I tell ya.
Hairless Harriet and the Headless Chicken Chasers:
Stop Pluckin’ my Pussy Cat
I’ll Flap My Wings for You
Heads are not for Chopping
Don’t Make Me Shave My Legs for You
Yes, these are completely made up in my own little mind. I blame it on being chased by headless chickens as a youngster on the farm.
Corny Bitch and the Watermelon Whores: With their album Pollinatin’ Rhythm, to include the chart bottoming songs:
Stay Outta My Rhubarb Patch
My Beans Are Green
Stop Mixin’ My Seeds
And….Big Balls of Bleu Cheese.